Five Secrets to a Cleaner House

Keeping a house clean and tidy is a lot of work, but it can be made easier by following a few simple “secrets.”  Because I like you, I’m willing to share mine with you.  If you follow them, your house will always be company ready.

Here are my Five Secrets to a Cleaner House:

5 Secrets to a Clean House:  #1 Do Not Have Pets1.  Do not allow pets in your home.  They shed.  They smell.  They destroy things.  Dogs bring in mud and dirt from outside, and cats climb all over everything.  Things will get scratched, spilled, bashed, chewed, dinged, and dirtied if you allow pets.  Do not be tempted to bring in small mammals or birds, either.  They might not track mud through the kitchen, but they stink.

Five Secrets to a Clean House:  #2 Do Not Have Children2.  Do not allow children in your home.  They are 100% worse than pets.  Not only do they leave a trail of dirt and destruction in their wake, they don’t even have the decency to look ashamed when you point it out to them.  Children come with a lot of stuff.  It will be all over your house.

Five Secrets for a Clean House:  #3 Do Not Let Men Use Your Bathroom3.  Do not ever allow any man to use your bathroom.  I read once that in France people do not use the toilet at other people’s homes.  It’s considered rude.  I would not be surprised to hear that French women simply don’t allow men to use the indoor facilities at all.  It would explain a lot.

5 Secrets to a Clean House:  #4 Do Not Cook4.  Do not cook at home.  Bring home take out if you must, but if you want your stove and countertops to stay clean, no home cooked meals.  Do not own a microwave.  They are clutter and disperse odors into the air.  If you have leftovers, eat them cold.  Try not to have them, though, because cleaning the refrigerator is a chore.  Actually, buy as little food as possible, and you won’t have to worry about stinky trash cans, either.

5 Secrets to a Clean House:  #5 Only Sleep at Home.5.  Only sleep at home.  If you work all day and eat out, you should only have a couple hours at home when you are awake.  If you insist on staying home to “relax” on weekends, do not engage in messy hobbies.  Watch a bit of tv, read my blog, and resist the urge to start a project that you know you will not finish.

If, like me, you’ve ignored all these tips, accept that you are not the tidiest woman on earth, and your home would still be slightly disheveled, but not nearly as happy, if you eliminated the cause of every mess.

If you love to clean, you are welcome to come over for a “visit.”  I’ve been avoiding scrubbing the horizontal blinds for way too long.


10 thoughts on “Five Secrets to a Cleaner House

  1. This is so true and so funny. The only way to have a clean house is not to live in it. Or, not to have family. Or, to do nothing but clean from the moment you wake up until you go to bed. Also, if your major concern is blinds…you are way ahead of me! Hahaha! You’ve seen the pictures. What’s a little dust when there are good books to read and dogs to let in and out, right?

  2. This list cracked me up! I often wish for a less messy home, but it’s true that it wouldn’t be properly lived in and full of less memories if it were totally neat. Thanks for linking up with Your Place at Equis Place!

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